jeans

Today I opened my dresser drawer that had real pants from the long ago pre-Covid, pre-pregnancy time in my life. I'm not sure what possessed me to open that drawer while being dressed. I've been exclusively in leggings, sweats, pajama pants and anything with an elastic waist and stretchy fabric for a year now. I assumed buttons and zippers would stay in my twenties along with sleeping in. Instead of immediately closing the door, I saw my favorite pair of jeans on top. I've had these jeans for four years now. They shouldn't still be intact as they are from Target and I expect that Target clothes all come with a date that one day they will disenegrate while you are wearing them. However, this flower embroidered pair of pants that fits perfectly at my ankles (how many times does a 5'3" woman get to say that?) seemed to be going strong back in the pre days. In awe I lifted them out of the drawer. As I unfolded them, I worried that this would be a bad idea. I worried I'd be slipping them on too soon postpartum and the inability to button them would send me into a spiral and ruin my whole day. I had had a great morning. I had slept in from 2:30-8:30, usually my aching breasts woke me promptly at 7:37. I had fed and snuggled my daughter while finishing Practical Magic, the novel not the movie and for the first time in my life I recommend skipping the book altogether and just watching the cozy feminist film instead. I showered to music after eating leftover pizza and making a perfect cup of coffee. I'd like to say I'm a secure enough person that not fitting into pants wouldn't ruin my whole day, but it might have. The Goodwill with the dresses that didn't fit my chest were understandable, but my waist? That's been a twenty year long struggle in fitting rooms and in front of the mirror. When I was pregnant I wrote a whole piece that someday I will post here about how I loved my belly NOW that it was housing a person but would I love it deflated? The answer has been surprisingly more than I thought, but anyway BACK TO THE JEANS, I took a deep breath and told myself that things had changed and if the jeans didn't fit today, they didn't fit today and that was okay. 

I slipped them all the way up my body and easily was able to button and zip them. No sucking in and praying just zip and that was that. I couldn't believe it. I took a selfie in front of the mirror and posted it because I wanted to and that was that. I grabbed a shirt I liked to pair with the jeans and laughed at how I didn't psych myself up for the shirt which did not fit my chest quite as well as it once had and went back in the closet. 

I wore the jeans all day. I went on a walk, I bounced my daughter on the yoga ball, I folded laundry and ate dinner. The pants are still fully intact. I'm sure tomorrow I will be back in sweats and as I write this I realize there's laundry that I need to fold now.